It's okay.

Gretchen Weiners had cracked....

You know that moment when you wake up feeling really sick and you do everything in your power to convince yourself that you are "fine" because you do NOT want to take medicine, lay around, feel crappy, feel bad for yourself, and more importantly experience that achy, nauseating, weak moment of throwing up....

It is inevitable that you are going to throw up right?  So why do we stall and anticipate and put off and instead just embrace the sickness...let it at us! Why can't we just throw up numerous times because we know it will make us feel better?!!  We don't let ourselves crack....

Sometimes it is okay to NOT be okay.  We are humans and sometimes we have a lot on our plate and in our minds and we can try to run and run and never get off the treadmill or we can take a moment to be still and figure our crap out.  We need personal time and we need to learn how to take care of ourselves while we are creating and living our lives and helping and loving other people.

Some of my favorite movies have these intense "breaking down" moments when these main characters act like they are happy, progressing, achieving, healthy, and they are truly not because they get to a point we could call "rock bottom" and we crack and find out that we are not actually happy.  In the moving yet slightly depressing popular chick flick, "P.S. I Love You", Holly, the main girl who's husband has passed away, is dealing with still holding onto her husbands death and is not able to move on with her life and take care of herself and find happiness in other people and things.  There is a moment in the movie where she finally goes to her mom, who she does not really get along with, and just falls into her arms and starts to weep.  She cries for a few minutes and tells her mom that she cannot breathe she is so scared and worried and upset and unhappy.  Her mom calms her down, takes her on a walk, and they both open up about the past, present, and what they can do in the future as a family to overcome this.  Holly wanted to believe that she was "okay" and dealing with her husbands death when really she was just avoiding the emotions about it and "running" through her life, thinking it would get better.  She later realizes that life does not fix you but only YOU can admit to yourself when you are not happy and YOU will be the one to make changes.

Another movie that I love is "Eat Pray Love", that beautifully demonstrates this kind of discovering the emptiness and lack of wholeness in ones life and a need to make a change.  In the movie, Julia Roberts plays a stunning, successful, married, and strong character that finds herself "wanting more" and crying when she is alone, which leads her one night in her bathroom helpless on the floor praying to God for help.  We all have those moments of despair and a feeling of worthlessness when we come to understand that we are not completely happy in the life that we are living and we need to find out what it is we can do to find that complete joy.  We hear those people say, "don't give up!", "believe and achieve!", "try this and that...", which is all great and motivational but if WE personally are stuck and not "okay", then we are not able to progress and move forward.  Something is wrong and we are the ones to decide whether or not we not just replace these issues with different places, people, and things, but we actually FIX IT!!!

In the movie, this woman takes a year off to herself and travels all over the world to find herself and discover her own goals, passions, talents, gifts, weaknesses, and desires in life.  She addresses her own core issues and is able to completely HEAL her mind, soul, and body with experiences, meditating, good people, culture, prayers, love, and joy.  Now I am not saying we all need to drop our lives, buy a plane ticket somewhere exotic, and leave but I think we do need to just STOP.  Be still and take time to ponder, meditate, explore, feel pain and joy, and figure out what we want, who we are, and then make it happen.  It could happen in a day for you or take a year like it did for this girl in the movie, but whatever timing I hope that you can first:

-CRACK

-understand it is okay to not be okay

-admit to yourself that you are not happy

-take a break and give yourself time

-ponder and meditate who you are, your goals, strengths and weaknesses

-feel both pain and joy, sorrow and happiness, darkness and light

-fix your issues and make changes instead of "covering" or replacing them so you do not have to deal with them

-talk to people about it and seek support

-be alone and be peaceful

-set plans and routines to do things that will satisfy you and fill you up with joy

-share your love and light with others

Life is a journey and I do think it can be enjoyable.  Sometimes we get too caught up in going, running, achieving, being great, and serving others and I do not think we take the time to self reflect and analyze where we are actually going or who we are becoming.  Take a break.  Step back.  Look at yourself and ask yourself if you are happy and taking good care of your heart, mind, and soul.  If not...

BE STILL.  BREATHE.  HEAL.

As human beings, we are programmed to love and be loved.

"All you need is 

L O V E."

How to feel, find, and foster genuine and lasting LOVE.

1.  LOVE yourself!

-be healthy, happy, stable, secure, sure, positive, loving, kind, and whole with yourself.

 2.  Seek Safe Relationships

"How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk"  -John Van Epp

Relationship Attachment Model:  

five bonding dynamics; know, trust, rely, commit, touch

-all dynamics must be in balance at all times

-safe relationships promote healthy choices

3. Investing and Maintaining Healthy Relationships

A) Make time

B) Express admiration, appreciation, and affection

-give honest and sincere appreciation

("How to Win Friends and Influence People" -Dale Carnegie)

C) Capitalize on a good fortune

D) Manage conflict

-don't criticize, condemn, or complain

-arouse in the other person an eager want

("How to Win Friends and Influence People" -Dale Carnegie)

E) Share an inner life

Do not f e a r.  Be healthy yourself, seek healthy people and a positive relationship that make you and the other person happier and better, and CONSISTENTLY work on bettering yourself and your relationship with the other person so you are able to inspire one another to become stronger, happier, and healthier people.  When you remember these three steps and apply the material in each one, you will fill up your soul, mind, and heart with true and lasting love.  It is out there, it is real, and it is for you.  Just remind yourself those things and never think that you can live in dysfunctional, uneven, love patterns that is forcing you to believe that you are accepting a "love" that you deserve.  Remember... In true LOVE, there is NO fear.

YOU FACEBOOK STALKER!

Avoiding Social Comparison

"click...click..click...click...."

...is the only noise I can here at about two in the morning in my spacious and dark house.  "Its normal for someone to be Facebook stalking at this time anyway right....?"  I ask myself.  It is two in the morning; no one is here to entertain, nothing else to do, too tired to do homework but not tired enough to sleep. I surprisingly don't feel creepy or weird at all as I find myself on the 300 picture of some random girl I have only met once as I envy her for her freaking cute clothes and find myself pissed at her for posting pics of herself eating fast food but still seeming to have a perfect body..... "NOT FAIR!"  I think and ask myself does she even work out or try to look this good....why do I have to try so hard...?  Or ho did she get that guy...what did she do to go to all those cool places and get that BA professional yet fun job...? Everyone and their mom judges as we stalk Facebook so why should I feel bad?

And why don't I find myself stalking hot muscular men and browsing their profiles to see if they are employed or studying something like law or business at BYU....?  You would think that would be more entertaining and possibly productive than searching every single girl on my friends list to check out their new hair styles, see if they are married yet and if not, why...? admiring their "indie" bridals and wedding pics, also see what clothes they wear, what kind of hot bikini pics they are posting to show off their bods, and how I compare to all of this and where I fit in.....Why do I and a million other girls not only here in Utah but all over the world do....Why???!!!

Social comparison is like a disease.... we despise it and try to avoid it but it keeps coming back.  Its like a hard addition to drugs where we just cannot get enough and get so caught up in it and fall so hard, we feel like we cannot escape.  Do we really all "love each other" and "want to be FB friends" and follow each other on "INSTA", or twitter, or do we really do all this to just stalk, judge, envy, love but hate, compete, and compare....?  What is the true purpose to it all....When we meet new people do we actually want to get to know them and become their loyal friends or do we secretly hook ourselves to these "frenemies"so we can swoop in and get a certain guy or join some new group...?

I guess I am still trying to figure that out because I myself will admit that I was the one Facebook stalking some chick last night and not being happy for her when she changed her status to in a relationship or felt bad for her when something went wrong in life but I became jealous or secretly happy when she failed.  We are all such animals!  We need to CHILL and stop hating each other but wanting to be each other all at the same time.  Why can't we go to a party and actually get someones number and hang out with them rather than "follow" them on instagram and just casually say "hi you look cute!" when we run into them at parties.... this is just not healthy!!! we are losing the vision and true meaning to friends and groups and just healthy happy people.

So what do we do....??

1) Break free:  cut loose from those place, things, websites, people, groups that will encourage or push us to be envious, judgmental, fake, competitive.  You are the one choosing to be a part of all of it and if you feel like it is not right or fake, get out of it and just become REAL!  Be honest, show your true colors, show actual interest in the people you love, relate to, understand, care about, and find time to appreciate and hang out with them.

2) Act to solve problems:  gain a new perspective of yourself and your life and do everything in your power to act and adjust to making sure you are fulfilling those qualities and being happy and confident about it.

3) Dodge overthinking triggers:  take a minute and just stop when you feel like you are getting into those unhealthy social comparison patterns.  Get help and ask people to give you feedback and call you out.  If you need to, vent about something to someone you trust but then MOVE ON and let it go.  Write it all down in a journal or something and burn it, if you have to just get it all out so you can feel better.

4) Take in the big picture:  ask yourself; "will this matter in a few months or a year?", "is this really a big deal?", "how am I benefiting myself or others by talking like this or doing this?"... step back and just be present for a second so that you can realize what is really happening.  

I feel like with all the media, movies, internet, magazines, social groups, etc that surround us and make up our society, it is easy for our minds to begin to believe in this fantasy that is not even real life or even practical.  Most of the things we see out there are not even real and we have no idea what people are actually like, what they are going through, and who they truly are.  I really do wish that people could just be more honest, real, vulnerable, and wear their emotions and issues on their sleeves (like me..embarrassing) but I know that is unrealistic as well and we all want to have a hope that even if we are struggling or not perfect that we are also okay and great.  I guess there is just a balance and I feel like we have just gone to extremes, and we need to remember that what our eyes see is not always the truth, and we can stop thinking that everyone is happy, perfect, pretty, secure, and confident.  We ALL struggle and we all want to be accepted and loved so I invite all to just be real and be honest and step outside of your head for a while, step away from that fantasy, and consider getting off the internet, and go interact and enjoy real people and real life situations.  We can have real relationships with real people, or we can sit around and mope with our computer, feeling like we will never be good enough, and that everyone else out there is happy and pretty.....or we can take matters into our own hands and make things happen!  Go open up to people and talk and communicate, and you will be surprised to find out that not everything and everyone is what it seems.....Life is amazing, but it is also hard, and we all are struggling at times, but we can accept life together, and help each other out and support each other rather than compare one another, compete, hate, envy, or fear the people and the situations around us.

Illuminating L I G H T !

Just as light brightens darkness, discovering inner fulfillment can eliminate any disorder or discomfort. This is truly the key to creating balance and harmony in everything you do 

-Deepak Chopra 

We are all curious to know who we are and who we are meant to become in this life.  What is our purpose and what can we do as humans in such an individualistic and competitive society to "stand out", make change, and do good.  It is a difficult thing to contemplate this idea in such a personal and deep level and can overwhelm, upset, or even annoy us to the point where we do not even want to find answers and discover greatness and beauty within ourselves.  It is not very exciting to be pushed outside in the darkness to go looking for something when you do not have any type of light to guide you.  Why is light so powerful and what is it about light that can make all the difference when seeking and searching for meaning and identity?  In the dictionary light is defined as follows:

light

¹    [lahyt]  Show IPA noun, adjective, light·er,light·est, verb, light·ed or lit, light·ing.

noun

1.

something that makes things visible or affords illumination:All colors depend on light.

2.

Physics .

a.

Also called luminous energy, radiant energy.electromagnetic radiation to which the organs of sightreact, ranging in wavelength from about 400 to 700 nmand propagated at a speed of 186,282 mi./sec (299,972km/sec), considered variously as a wave, corpuscular,or quantum phenomenon.

b.

a similar form of radiant energy that does not affectthe retina, as ultraviolet or infrared rays.

3.

the sensation produced by stimulation of the organs of sight.

4.

an illuminating agent or source, as the sun, a lamp, or abeacon.

5.

the radiance or illumination from a particular source: the light of a candle.

An illuminating source!  Light gives us direction and confidence and will warm us up when we are feeling cold and dark.  Light is a comfort and can show is the details all around us that will make us see things more clearly, make better decisions when on a journey or when you are heading down a certain path, and can lead us exactly where we want to go.  Light is beautiful and brilliant and it will help us discover and see things that nothing else can.  So how do we get light when we are thrown out into the scary, dark, and unpredictable world when we finally come to a time when we are alone, needing to obtain truth and understanding about the world and ourselves, and take what we have and become something of worth, beauty, strength, and meaning.  So the light is where....?

The personality is composed of two things; the 1) Real Self and the 2) Ideal Self. Your Real Self is who you actually are, while your Ideal Self is the person you want to be.

Our real self does have a light within us and until we tap into that light and discover its power and worth, we are not able to work towards and eventually become our ideal self.  When we believe in the ideal self and becoming something of such influence and power, we then obtain HOPE.  In the dictionary, hope is defined as follows:

hope

  noun, verb, hoped, hop·ing.

noun

1.

the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.

2.

a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.

3.

grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is little or no hope of his recovery.

4.

a person or thing in which expectations are centered: Themedicine was her last hope.

5.

something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constant hope.

Hope is believing that you may not be the person you want to be, but you can have confidence and faith that you will eventually work up to that person and flourish in time as you work and change.

We have a hope that we will be able to 

1) tap into our actual self 

2) discover that light that is burning 

3) acknowledge our natural gifts, talents, abilities

Once that is accomplished, we then can then...

1) begin to find out our true ideal self

2) exercise that hope constantly in believing that we are able to one day reach that ideal goal and become who we are meant to become

3) always give as much energy, time, and effort into accomplishing our goals and reaching our potential

Some stages that we will encounter when searching for our true identity is as follows:

Identity Foreclosure

'The foreclosure status is when a commitment is made without exploring alternatives. Often these commitments are based on parental ideas and beliefs that are accepted without question'.^[4] As Marcia put it, ' the individual about to become a Methodist, Republican farmer like his Methodist, Republican farmer father, with little or no thought in the matter, certainly cannot be said to have "achieved" an identity, in spite of his commitment'.^[5]

Adolescents may foreclose on the handed-down identity willingly or under pressure. The case of "negative-identity" occurs when adolescents adopt an identity in direct opposition to a prescribed identity. Foreclosures' 'endorsement of authoritarian values...is consistent with the description of them as becoming their parents' alter egos'.^[6] Marcia stressed that 'once the foreclosure position is left behind (i.e. a crisis has been experienced), it is no longer an option'.^[7]

[edit]Identity Diffusion

'Some adolescents become overwhelmed by the task of identity development and neither explore nor make commitments...may become socially isolated and withdrawn'^[8]: Identity diffusion. 'Identity Diffusion is generally considered the least mature and least complex status'^[9] of the four identity statuses. Identity Diffusion is the status of individuals who have neither explored nor made commitments across life-defining areas. They may or may not have experienced a crisis, with some reporting having little interest in such matters and others reporting repeated indecision.

Marcia suggested that those with identity diffusion 'do not experience much anxiety because there is little in which they are invested. As they begin to care more...they move to the moratorium status, or they become so disturbed that they are diagnosed schizophrenic'.^[10] Others indicate that 'in the most extreme cases of role diffusion, adolescents may adopt a negative identity'.^[11]

[edit]Identity Moratorium

Identity moratorium is the status of individuals who are in the midst of a crisis but whose commitments are either absent or are only vaguely defined. 'The moratorium status is characterized by the active exploration of alternatives'.^[12] Marcia noted that 'moratoriums...report experiencing more anxiety than do Ss in any other status...The world for them is not, currently, a highly predictable place; they are vitally engaged in a struggle to make it so'.^[13]

Nevertheless over time a tendency has been observed for longer periods to be spent in the status, as 'Children of the Sixties...granted themselves a long moratorium on commitments...'Provisional Adulthood '.^[14]

[edit]Identity achievement

Once a crisis has been overcome, 'a likely progression would be from diffusion through moratorium to identity achievement'.^[15] The latter is thus the status of individuals who have typically experienced a crisis, undergone identity explorations and made commitments. Marcia found some evidence to support his 'theoretical description of Ss who have achieved an identity as having developed an internal, as opposed to external, locus of self-definition'.^[16]

In every aspect of our life, we will find ourselves falling under one or two of these stages and this is normal and just part of our journey as we try to apply light and hope in our lives while achieving goals and discovering our worth.  Of course, our ideal stage to be in is the identity achievement and with both

1) exploration (discovering the "actual self", tapping into that "light", acknowledging those personal gifts and talents)

2) commitment (working towards becoming your "ideal self", consistently applying that HOPE, putting in that effort, time, dedication, etc)

Once we have both the passion and ability put into something meaningful in our lives, we are reaching that identity achievement and we can feel secure, truly happy, and successful.

Turn the lights on!  Find out what you are good at and what you like to do...explore! Believe in becoming something even more and dedicate and commit to working towards that and reaching your identity achievement!  With time, practice, sacrifice, effort, passion, and consistency, you will progressively grow in ways you never imagined and you will feel that self-worth and life success flowing into your heart and into your life!