W O R D V O M I T

First of all, I am missing Disneyland a lot lately.  Disneyland is one of my favorite places in the world,  and I still haven't been since I have been back from the mission.  It is pure magic and happiness.  It is impossible not to have a good time and impossible not to just smile when you go there.  I love the colors and the lights and the corny music...I love it all!  I can only imagine that heaven someday will be a lot like disneyland...pure happiness and joy, innocence, smiling, colors, music, magic, hope, castles, princes and princesses!  haha wow I am a joke right now.  I am such a dreamer and it is kind of gay, but totally acceptable for a girl right...?  I mean all we do as girls is dream and wish and hope for things like they are in the movies?  Like LOVE for instance....lets talk about it!

So GUYS grow up looking at hot chicks everywhere:  in magazines and movies and on the internet and in their minds, but even if a guy is a 5 or a 6, he still feels like he has to get a perfect 10, and mostly to just enjoy the girls hotness and to "get some"  right?  Oh, and heaven forbid if the girl ever wants any kind of contact or relationship with him...." #clingy, #crazy, #needy.... what the heck is commitment...? never heard of it....I am scared of it"....right?

GIRLS on the other hand....oh us crazy girls, we watch these love movies and check out facebook and instagram couple pics, or stalk wedding videos and listen to sappy love music and their gay lyrics, and we think that all of those things are real life and dream of having it one day....when really we set ourselves up to get our heart broken, or dumped or used, because we spend so much money and time and effort trying to make ourselves up to be that PERFECT TEN for the stupid guys so we can "find love" when really we are just setting ourselves up to get owned and hurt.  All the" bachelorettes" and "real worlds" and "teen vogue" or "us weekly" magazines are telling us to change really everything about ourselves so we can "get guys/find love," when really we are just doing all that stuff to make ourselves feel even worse about ourselves, and end up with those guys that can't even define the word commitment and end up hurting us.  Does this make sense?  Am I just venting nonsense and am I bitter at a guy...or guys in general? maybe.... but it doesn't matter.  In the end I think so much of this is true, and I am so annoyed, that everything that I feel and define as truth and real and fate and love don't even seem to exist anymore in my mind or even society.  Maybe it does and I am just caught up in the wrong things and in the wrong places with the same lame people....but this is how I feel.

It is like a roller coaster...LIFE.  The roller coaster at Disneyland for example....we get on it right??  We are all excited and ready and know what we are getting ourselves into.  We know how it ends and how it begins.  We payed for it and we are choosing to get on this ride!  But for some odd reason, every single time we get on that roller coaster we get a little scared.  We have that knot kind of feeling in our stomach, and climbing to the top of the roller coaster is thrilling but completely frightening at the same time.  We look down, knowing we are going to drop and it will be fun and scary, and every time we wonder why we are even on this ride.  We scream and yell and shout and cry the whole 5 minutes of this adventure.  It is the same every time you go on and still you keep going back.  You know those drops and you know those highs,  but of course, every time you finish you are okay and it was all worth it.

Is life at all like this...?  Is freaking LOVE like this...?  Yes.  Absolutely.  Do we know what we are getting ourselves in to.....yes.  Do we enjoy it, but hate it at the same time.....yes.  Do we scream and yell and cry and laugh....yes.  Is it enjoyable, the whole ride.....no.  Do we get tossed and turned and jerk and sometimes fall unexpectedly.....yes.  In the end, was the whole experience worth it and enjoyable?  YES.

Love hurts sometimes.  Life hurts sometimes.  Do we feel like we get either of them completely....? NO.  Does it matter....? No.  Will we get off the ride okay in the end....YES.  It will be okay.   We will be okay.  It is all worth it.  Enjoy it.

“Everything will be all right in the end.  If it's not all right, then it's not the end."

-The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you.  And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood.  And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door.  And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new.  And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again.  And little pieces of your soul will finally come back.  And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."
-The Holiday

Moral of the story..... #iamawreckandwritingaboutitmakesmefeelbetter.... the end.